Well, Here Goes Something

Hey Friends, Do you ever get sidetracked by those silly online quizzes? I just did. I woke up early to write, and ended up checking my email, reading a blog post, and taking this Life Assessment quiz. It was all a way to procrastinate actually writing, which is one of the things I’m actively practicing right now. My writing muscles are still weak, so it’s not easy.

The quiz though, was shared by Jeff Goins, an inspirational writer that I follow, and it left me feeling… well… so many things.

I find it almost unbelievable to look at my life now compared to my life just 5 years ago. So much has changed. And while some things are visible on the outside, most of them are on the inside.

You see, 5 years ago I had few truly deep and meaningful friendships. Unknown to me, I was in the middle of something of a spiritual crisis. I was an emotional mess and full of fear, about pretty much everything.

Don’t get me wrong, in many ways things were going good. I had a stable job that I enjoyed, was in love and just getting married, had friends and a community, and was beginning to amp up my art career. On the outside, it looked pretty great.

But no matter what I did, yoga, meditation, changing my diet, I couldn’t step out of the fear for long. Sure, the fear was often masked by other emotions, like anger, righteous indignation, pride, envy, and resentment. You name it and I probably felt it. These were not new emotions for me, I’d been getting stuck in them my entire life.

So when I took this Life Assessment quiz I kept amazing myself with the answers. I kept stopping and asking myself if I was being truly honest.

The same thing happens when I have a deep, meaningful conversation with a friend. I ask myself, is this person with the positive attitude, who is filled with love, empathy, and truly wants to understand, is she really me? Because I like her!

Even though I live this reality every day, it’s hard to believe that I love my life as much as I do. Truly love it. It is hard to believe that I am supported by such deep friendships, a strong spiritual practice, selfless mentors, an amazing family, and a career I never would have dreamed possible.

I am humbled by the gifts the universe gives me. And I am more grateful than I can say.

Is my life perfect? Definitely not. Sometimes I still feel like a hot mess. I have work to do: every single day. And I am grateful for that, too.

I've just started writing again after a fairly long break. I don't feel like I've found my voice, or know what exactly it is that I want to say. I'm sitting here right now, trying to get up the courage to post this piece. There is a voice in my head that tells me I should wait until I've mastered writing and know exactly what I want to say.  Then and only then should I share anything I've written. But I know how that story ends. It ends in me not writing, not sharing, and staying stuck in fear. So here's to moving through the fear, one tiny step at a time.

All my love,

~Carrie